oh ya. i was very upset at last night's conversation :( u didnt know that hurt me, did you?

Today: 29-09-2009 (pretty cool date, but it broke my heart)


To: You-Know-Who-You-Are

First and foremost, I'm sorry...real sorry because this is going to be another emo post. i promise the next one would be a happy one. or rather a normal one...

Emo-ness started from morning. it doesnt mean i am not when i dont show it. its just because i cant. and sometimes, i forget, which is a good thing. how come the awful truth never fails to hurt? i dunno why. but right from the start, it was just wishful thinking on my part. and i dunno what made me that silly. i really DON'T KNOW.

today jq told me he changed the mice bedding and such. a random thought came into my mind...i suddenly feel like the mice in the lab. why do u have to treat me this good when eventually my fate is DEATH? i mean why gave me hope only to shatter them in less than 1 sec? why bother to treat me well when u were meant to kill me in the first place, right from the beginning? it HURTS MORE THIS WAY.

today im soooo dumb that i bumped my thumb while washing my hands and it bled like crazy. the moment i saw the blood ooze out, i sooo wish that someone would come and kiss my pain away..and small plaster would be able to make my world go wild. unfortunately, it did not happen. the cuts in my hands are deep, but the ones in my heart are deeper...

i cant possibly act emo while at home. i have to pretend nothing has happpened. unfortunately, i dun even know what has happened. i guessed i reached my saturation point because tears started rolling the moment i stepped into the bathroom. it was where no one can hear or see me. it was the moment that i could no longer take it, and i just broke down and cried. involuntarily. i dunno how long i've cried in the shower, but i just cant stop. the tears just cant stop flowing. i think i've hold on for too long.....................................................................................................................

sometimes, it hurts so much i wish i wont wake up from my sleep the next day so that i don have to face all these...real tired....and its super emotionally taking a toll on me...one day i'll sure snap...and the whole world forgets about me....the end...





Winter rainbows are very faint, and by the time you notice them they have almost disappeared.
The winter rainbow disappeared as I pointed to it. The only thing left was the beautiful image of the fragile winter rainbow.
Often love and dreams, like winter rainbows, hopelessly disappear just as you feel that you have found them.
Perhaps that way they are more precious, and remain as a beautiful memory.



Horoscope
You are feeling like a bird in springtime lately, Sagittarius, and nothing will get you down today. If you are single, there is a certain person that has just been floating your boat, and today your imagination will take over and your heart will pound at the mere sight of them. Be careful about what that imagination is doing to you, as you don't want to delude yourself into waiting for someone that simply isn't worth it. That doesn't mean you can't enjoy the ride in the meantime, though. Attached? It feels like love at first sight all over again, doesn't it? Enjoy it. You don't get many days like today.

dumbo just asked my why my blog so emo. i dunno why. hais. because i feel emo? and why i feel emo? BECAUSE. grr nevermind =( dun bother abt defibrillating my heart. it wont work.

and FYI super super damm bad mood at work today. hais. not because of work. but something else. =( and i hate myself for bringing my emotions to work. was damm worried abt x matter. and i cant stop myself from black-face-ing and emo-ing at the thought of it. blame it on my incompetence because simple stuff i fail to do it well. guess im not suitable to be in this field. too late. and i cant help thinking about it. was stoning and staring blankly at the IMR whiel checking my meds in the wards halfway. hais. =((( i have been sighing the whole day. can someone lend me his/her shoulders?



GOODNIGHT

there about a million questions on my mind. i wish to uncover them. but i cant, and will not. i promise myself that i wld not. and i have another million questions that i want to ask myself, and my heart...

im tired...really really tired....i wonder how many times i repeat this phrase in a year...i guess not countable...its gonna be an emo post again...ITS NOT that i like to blog emo-ly..(who does?!)..im just penning down my thoughts...because i cant say it out...and no one bothers to listen to me anyway...if u are buay song and think that im super lame or irritating posting emo posts...u are not obliged to stay here...no one bothers about this blog anyway...hais...im sick and tired of waiting (for you)....i wouldnt do it if i have a choice....but there are things that are beyond my control...so i have to grit my teeth and bear with the pain...time check 08.46pm...i've never been hurt that badly...sorry i mean this is one of the times i've been hurt badly. whatever. i know what i mean. =( let me go.


my fairytale starts with "once upon a time" but does not end with "and they live happily ever after"......





:(




as i wait foolishly...

SELAMAT HARI RAYA =)

少一份期待=少一份伤害

just came back from work. work as in SGH. i am not upset that i've gotta go back to hosp on saturday because i work on saturdays anyway. and i think sgh's better cos only half day. lols. and i starting to worry about the long weekend. i've got nothing to do. and i dun like being cooped up at home. how sian. no one to entertain me. :[ (i need to find a boyfriend soon) -.- and baby (dionis) has to work. argh. no one to go shopping with me. haha. and dumbo 不理我. jk ROFLMAO. seriously...i'd rather work leh. because i dun have to stay at home and emo and 胡思乱想... :( at least work keeps me occupied. other than that, i guess i'll just sleep :/



HAIZ

haiz. i am feeling uber double duber sad now. saddddddddddddddddddd. because things always don't go smoothly for me. i guess this is fate. because everything is fated. i think too perfectly, only to be filled with great disappointment at the end of the day. i have alr warned myself not to think so perfectly...i have only myself to blame :(





because i think too perfectly, the disappointment is too huge for me to handle.... :(

ARGH. i CANT even get something so simple DONE RIGHT. such a stupid ass. >.<

SUPER SAD TODAY "(




i think i am the sillest dumbo on earth...because i do everything for you but ended up hurt again and again and again...i feel silly and stupid...maybe naive wld be a better word...maybe i am just being wilful and unreasonable...i am tired....let me go...

and by the way...are dreams really the opposite of reality? if yes, can i live in my dream forever......

emo again. P.S. i don't like you ):

its over...


no..its NOT over...because we have not even started...


and between u and i, there are still jklmnopqrst.....whatever....





Dear You,


If you ever see this post, please give me a slap because i feel stupid to have done all those silly things for you.


Thank you very much





RANDOM: A poem i've found

You really hurt me.
Created by Sumae

You were my training wheels.
I never wanted to give up on you.
You decided to leave though.
I get bruised and hurt all the time now.
I cant go on without you.
You were my best friend.
The one who made me smile the one who I could look up to.
Until you moved on and left me behind in the dark.
My whole world went black with sadness and confusion.
I never expected you'd leave like you did.
You really hurt me.

TODAY - 14 Sept 09

weekends pass like a breeze. and im back to work again. sian. today was a busy day. morning did returns. then after that did ward imr. then followed (i dunno whats her name) up to SICU and CTICU to top up medications. cool. i finally figured out what does CTICU stands for; Cardiothoracic Intensive Care Unit. and of course SICU is Surgical. then did checking too. alot of pre-reg from NUS came td too. so cool. and i cant believe im from NYP. so embarassing. just kidding. hahas. then Audrey brought me to top up the meds at ward 56 and 57. cool. had lunch, then came back and did walk-in IMRs. busyyy day.





PS. i hate you. irritating idiot shit. TMD X 1000000000000000000000000

Life @ SGH

ahhhhhh! i cant and refuse to accept the fact that attachment has started. i barely had time to breathe after exams. (ok i admit i had A WHALE OF MY TIME during these 4 days) but no no no enough la. ROFLMAO.


there goes :b

7 Sept 09

i think sgh-ians are considered fortunate because we only have to report for work at 2pm on the first day. met june and siauhui for lunch. we are gonna go through THICK & THIN & STAY TOGETHER AS ONE for 6 months. i sound super cliched. -.- yeah. and met up with nadrah and tirza after that. reported at inpatient pharmacy. was orientated and brought ard various pharmacies in SGH. and we'll be rotated ard the pharmacies. then met up with HR. went back to IP for awhile. see see here and there. and can go home liao. lols. song boh. ended at 5pm :D

just a simple act is enough to touch my heart...



8 Sept 09

2nd day of work and i cut my hand with the strip of simvastatin. -.- how dumbo can i be. and weird that it cant stop bleeding that i had to get a plaster from june -.- and i did an intervention on warfarin dosing instruction worrrrrr. smart ass. just kidding.


9 Sept 09

3rd day of work and i bumped my head against cupboard or sth. ultra dumbo leh -.0
i dun like the pasta at staff lounge :(
and my dumbo phone gave up one me halfway while i was talking on the phone. omgggg

u didn't know that had hurt me, did you?



10 Sept 09

finally we found our way to housemen's canteen =)



11 Sept 09

fridays are always busyyy. me and siauhui helped out at prescription area cos they were too busy. and we are busy like siao too...but DAMM SHIOK. haha. had lunch at only 2.30. finished lunch early os we napped for awhile at staff lounge. haha song boh.

weekend's finally here. met yixin at cwp to buy cake for suhui's surprise birthday party. yixin waited for me for 45mins at cwp. i am sooooo paiseh. she texted that she reached alr when i was at marina bay. -.-well done. after that bought her a cake. then proceeded to suhui's hse. we got the wrong block and nearly ended up at someone else's hse. lol. eh but i guessed correctly wor. whatever. after cake session had dinner at woodlands mart. then went back to her house to play. lol and take photos. including unglam ones. with her lik sis too. so cute.



12 Sept 09

WORK. and i nearly flipped when i nearly had to teach. P5 maths. kill me stat.



13 Sept 09

i am such a piggg. slept till 1pm. then has dinner. and tblth and went back to sleep again till 5pm. then wake up and play com. and went for dinner at 7. came back and play com again. then sleep again. but cant get to sleep. =.0 because my leg itches like crazy. nvm

hola! i've changed my blogskin. hehhehhhhh. nice right -.- lol.

back to seriousness. gonna blog abt what happened the past few days.





5 Sept 09


No need to say la. work again. super sian...





6 Sept 09


Went out with mum and sis to bugis....shopped ard and bought some stuff. after that trained down to orchard to meet darling janice after her work. have not seen her for a veryyyyyyyy looooonnnngggg time alr. miss her so much. gotta pass her present shun bian meet up before my att starts. had dinner at cineleisure's jap restaurant. after that we went to tcc near somerset to look for ivy. after that went to orchard central. quite new. and not all the shops are opened yet. after that went to ion orchard. took pics of mini cooper. i wish i own one. and the battery incident is funny. i shall not comment on it. cos im a dumbo haha! mini cooper is nice! and jan's fave. i'll buy her one if i win toto. =) after that walked ard and home sweet home. i love janice ng !! :D

don't talk to me
i am trying my best not to think about it :'(

PS. there is something wrong with my blogskin. and super pissed off. and i gotta change back to my old one in the meantime. >.< urghs

hoho! Its been a haha time since I last blogged. yupyup. Been real real busy muggggging for exams. And these are the last papers in NYP. sadded. or scarly not my last. choy x 100000000 times. touchwood. and after that will be attachment. and we have only 4 and a half days to slack and rest before it starts. how cool. argh. i am uber duper scared and worried about attachment. because im used to studying. and I love school and studying more. except the exam part. lol. attachment would be a totally different environment from schooling. and if I screw up my attachment, I’ll kiss my diploma goodbye. -.- and I simply have no idea what att will be like! hahahaha. hopefully everything will go on smoothly. pray pray pray. =)

im sooo not used to doing nothing. or rather I feel weird not to be mugging. haha! I loveeeeee studying. yeah right. haha. but not for too long cos att is starting and soon I’ll have to chiong for fyp again. haha. and I was feeling superbly awful during the 3 weeks exam period. totally not feeling well and no appetite. and my Chemoreceptor Trigger Zone (CTZ) is crazy because I feel like vomiting every second. -.- not pregnant la. but really. those of u who were with me should know. bad bad bad. but not bad. I lose weight. lol. >.<>.< =( oh ya and another thing. my hp died on me. very very appropriate time huh! I cant seem to charge my hp. urgh. angry. nth time I’ve gotta send it for repair. and I have to wait till Halloween to buy my crystal =( speaking of halloween, I want to go zoo!!! joiners? haha. and yesss…. summary of what I’ve been doing for these past few weeks :/







wacao damm long. but anyway :D i'll start with the exam period :6



25 Sept 09

* Pharmacy Practice III *

hoho pharm pract down. was ok la. hopefully can do well. attachment briefing. and i dread the thought of attachment. urghs. feeling super giddy and headache like siao. urgh. and i didnt bring my panadol into the exam hall.


26 Sept 09


* Essentials of Business Management *

paper at 4pm today. siao. best time for afternoon naps. >.< anyway met qq for lunch before proceeding to lab to study. i have noooooo appetite at all. super feel like vomitting :(
then dionis and huiyan came and look for us. hmmm ebm was ok. hopefully. although i blanked out at some questions. urgh. can i blame the lightings? having headache while doing t paper. sian diao. i dun like the lights at sports hall. it makes me giddy. >.<

ps/i love studying at lab cos its freezing cold :DD



27 Sept 09

* Pharmaceutical Analysis *

did not have lunch, straight away go lab t study. joined by d and hy later on.

OMGNESS. pharm analysis. no freaking idea how much stuff to memorise. and i forgotten everything in the exam hall. forgot some la. like just cant remember no matter how i squeeze my brain juice. and i cant remember the full sentence. argh kill me.



28 Sept 09

no paper today. stayed at home to study. i dun like pharmaco :x



29 Sept 09

no work. ppl cover for me. stayed at home and study pharmaco again. :x


30 Sept 09

siao liao. next day pharmaco paper and im still studying. lols. wanted to go out to study but in the end didnt. so stayed at home :p


31 Sept 09

* Basic Pharmacology II *

Pharmaco cleared. hopefully im not in deep shit for this paper >.<

lunched with qq and dionis. gossip again :x



1 Sept 09

HAPPY TEACHER'S DAY!

yea and i have to study. how sian. and i totally forgotten abt teachers day till mag asked me if im gg back WRSS ytd. and obviously i cant. have to study :s urghs.

anyway i went back to school to study. had lunch with qq. after that its time to mugggggggggggggggggggggggg again. studied pharm management.and the lab is like a giant fridge. cool till my nose froze. but i like it :) hopefully i can get everything into my teeny weeny brain. my head is v small. >.<...then after that home sweet home... :D


2 Sept 09

* Pharmacy Management *

die die also must get A this time because i dun wan this test to pull down my overall grade. but after the paper no hope la. mr tan's qn is like omg-ness. hopefully i'll do well. went to look for q to get stuff from him. and dionis wanted to bind her notes but forgotten to bring one of the lectures. so cant bind. how funny can it be. ROFLMAO.

after that went to cwp with dionis to send my spects for repair. bought the blouse i've wanted for v long. $50 sia. lucky got discount. then trained down to amk hub. wanted to do my nails but dun wan to get sacked on first day of att so suan le. haha :D bought tops for att and i bought shoe. i wish i can grow money. >.<



3 Sept 09

Its shopping again! went out with dionis tan. shopped ard orchard. she bought things like siao. and im super happy cos she spent more money than i spent ytd. and i didnt buy anything much at orchard. sadded. then went down to plaze sing cos i wanna go daiso to buy stuff. cool. shopping is love. shopping and buying stuff is cooler. shopping and buying lots of stuff without having to pay is the coolest. wait long long >.<



4 Sept 09

Went to school in the morning to help qq with setting up labs. i super think i have potential to be tso. ok just kidding. had fun fun fun fun fun :D
after that went home to sleep. then went to collect my spects at cwp before training down to tiong bahru to meet q. and can u believe this is the first time ive ever been there. i think im so smart that i didnt get lost. -.- had dinner at taiwan cafe at citylink somewhere there. so love the chicken chop rice. my fave :D then shop shop ard. dionis joined after that. went to esplande for chocolate drink. miss tan dun take chocolate. too bad. see me and q enjoy ours lor. hahaha. urmm then went to the roof to see see look look watch watch take pics. i love the night scene from the top. and a good chat with good friends is enough to keep me happy. very cool. :D
and home sweet home :DD


PICTURES UP ASAP >.<

im tired. really really tired. physically and mentally. i might explode soon. because there are 100 million things on my mind that i have no one to share with. i simply have no one to confide my feelings. for a gazillion years, i have been hiding. hiding away where no one really notice me. i have to hide my emotions. i cant show my feelings. but sometimes when i really cannot take it anymore, i will burst. and i hate myself for that. because i am not allowed to show my emotions. i have to act like it isnt happening, it has not happened and will not happen. but things are inevitable. and i have to learn to accept this fact. and stop running away from reality. i have to learn to control my emotions and not act crazy at the wrong time. or at anytime. but why do i have to smile and pretend nothing is wrong? and most of the time, i have to act happy. why why why... i am gg nuts..............


Happiness is short-lived

True/False

Personally i think its true...