Last night, i cried myself to sleep. The pain was unbearble. I cant get to sleep at all. All the images were flooding my mind. At first it wasnt that bad. I was alright, until i clicked it open. The tears just came. I couldn't stop crying. I literally cried like crazy until for dunno how long then i managed to doze off. I remember waking up in the middle of nowhere with a splitting headache and my head super giddy and my eyes swollen mad. Managed to pop 2 tabs of paracetamol and prochlorperazine, and went back to bed again, but cant get back to sleep. I didnt want to think about anything. I just wished all these wasnt true.

BrotherLew's last day at SGH on friday. Thank God for the miracle that i managed to change night duty. Was very very depressed these few weeks. So much so that i wish all these will not happen, i wanted to make the best of the last week. On friday, early in the morning i went to work with a heavy heart. Then i saw laoda on my way to block 4. he asked me if i wanted a drink. i said yeah teh peng. (with a huge smile) so he went to get it while i go up first. when i reached the pharmacy, he told me my tea on his table. man, that is enough to make it cry. i took my teh peng and went to cheryl loo. and the tears i have been holding back for a week just came like crazy. i hope i didnt shocked her out of her wits. well this was the second time she hugged me while i cry. thank you girl. seriously, that teh peng was the best in 20years, better than IV fentanyl. I was in charge of walk-in imrs today. And the imr came in like crazy. i happened to be the only one typing, i cannot concentrate at all, i'm thinking, die today sure RMS. and lao da happened to be the one checking the imrs. suprisingly i think i typed a hundred imrs that day but he didnt 'ruiyi did u type this?' thinking of that, i'd rather he say this to be everyday. =( throughout the whole day, he was very smiley, very nice to me. i asked cheryl loo why last day then treat me so nice. i wanted to cry again. i'd rather he yell at me. the whole day i was busy asking brother questions about imr. if i dont ask, there wont be chance anymore. he was very nice, his words were very assuring, making me even more sad. i hope he doesnt think im annoying because i literally 'brother!' every 5 minutes/every imr. From now onwards, whenever i open any imr, the first person i will think about is brother. i will never forget anything he has taught me. there wont be anyone to ask whenever i see an oncology W48 script. i will calculate the morphine doses myself. i will never see brother's name on the ward board again, and will not wish he is doing ops that week. no one will be beside me when i type because the best typing team is gone. my neighbour is not my neighbour anymore. and i will promise to avoid going to the back and opening my locker lest i think of him. =( there wont be anyone to ask for help while doing night in the middle of the night. no one to complain to about the animals and spirits, fruits and vegetables. no one to encourage me, no one to assure me that its going to alright. my 2 person that i trust most is gone, how am i possibly going to survive?

Yes, i agree, i have not known brother nor worked with him for very long. nonetheless, it doesnt take me long to see who can be trusted who cant be, who's good who's bad. With brother around, i dont have to be scared of anything because he is always the person i can turn to for help. even though he likes to dao me, and doesnt smile back when i smile at him, and just 'mm' when i say good morning. and sometimes i get so fed up that i will be in bad mood the whole day. the day when i first stepped into ip, he doesnt look the most friendly, like the sort that will scream at people when they make mistakes. he always carries such a fierce and stern face that i think the whole world is scared of him. i am not. (now lah), last time maybe. because i know actually he is very nice =) . i know most of the PTs were scared out of their wits by him, and everytime i see him talk to them, i know something is amiss and i will go to them and say, got a shock of your life right, its okay lah, my brother is liddat one. i will miss the times when i go up for ward dispensing with laoda. man, i wish i can have a quarter of his brain. the rest of my friends were like 'huh? you went dispensing with him? really ah? lol. and everyone passes the phone to me when they have to call him. i am glad to do it of course, because he is my brother, u too right buddy? and i will never hesitate to help brother and his patients, eg having to walk to ncc under the scorching sun to get some 'nibs'. because he is my brother and i will help him no matter what...

Well, all these will not come true anymore.they shall be part of the wonderful memories in ip. and the great memories are going to stop here. When buddy left, i thought i still have bro. now brother gone, im going to study already. because the 2 person i trust more arent here with me anymore. =( how much more blows can i take?

I will not forget the first and last PH, first and last stock take, all the psychotherapy, lame jokes, rubbish, teasing, jay chou 1 and 2, 酒窝, etc. i will miss them as much as i miss brother.

Brother, all the best in everything you do. remember i was the saddest person on earth when u left. and always remember there is someone crazy in block 4 and one in block 7 supporting you forever. more kopiOpeng hot one, and teh peng hot one, and milo peng hot one and cai fen at housemen. JIAYOU. keep in touch. i will go ncc often. and i might work there one day. the 3Bs will be reunited.

Last but not least, i will be strong. =) and brother will be part of IP forever. =)

I am feeling terrible now... I can't go to sleep :'(

Dear Friday, can u don't come?

I very sad lahhhhhh

how come people can treat it like nth happen ?

3B

!!!

I'm very sad la. I have not come to terms with it. But nobody understand leh. They think I'm being childish or exaggerating.
Fine! I'll learn to keep everything to myself. I'll might do anything I can to make you stay :( but it's okay... :(






Stop doing whatever you are doing now beause it's making me sadder


6th nightmare. Someone pls wake me up from the real one.

i am waiting for time to pass so that i can start work. AND cheryl loo is behind me kajiaoing me. =)

and there is a plastic OVER THERE dispensing =)

listening to her voice makes me want to puke


i've got a phobia in coming to work nowadays. because i dont want to go to work and then faced with dissapointments. =(

I don't want to be reminded of tetracycline oint. i have been continuously packing this until weisi ask me why i keep taking that. it made me thought of someone. anyway. i just found out something. something that i knew long time ago. i was very happy at first. but now, everything will not be the same. you bluffed me. =(

i think i am the most irritating person on earth because i keep asking brother questions at work. -.- and my lips are so swollen that i dun really feel like talking to anyone.

and can you people stop annoying me??

i am counting down down down

I wish someone will wake me up from this nightmare. I hope someone will tell me this is not true and it's all only a dream. Since no one can do that... Why can't I even make things turn out a little better? I don't want to go back to work. I'm going crazy soon. Will a miracle happen at the last minute? :(

I'm the saddest n most depressed person on earth... :(

Can somebody tell me what to do? i really have to change my night duty. i will do anything, really, literally. i am so depressed at work that i dont feel like opening my mouth. i don feel like working anymore. i need to take a long long long break. sometimes there is no choice but to run away from the harshful reality. i didnt expect it will hurt so much. so much so that everything i do, i just feel like crying. i didnt have any nightmare last night. i think it was a bad omen. like i said, say im exaggerating or whatever. you are not me. you dont understand.


LIFE SUCKS TO THE MAX

歌曲：说了再见
歌手：Jay Chou (No.1)
专辑：跨时代
曲:周杰伦
词:方文山

天亮了雨下了你走了
清楚了我爱的遗失了
落叶飘在湖面上睡著了~~~~~
想要放放不掉泪在飘~
你看看你看看不到
我假装过去不重要
却发现自己办不到
说了再见才发现再也见不到~~~~
我不能就这样失去你的微笑~~~~
口红待在~桌脚~~
而你我找不到~
若角色对调你说好不好~~~~
说了再见才发现再也见不到~~~~
能不能就这样忍著痛泪不掉~~~~
说好陪我到老~~
又狠往哪里走~~
再次拥抱一分一秒都好~~~
...
天亮了雨下了你走了
清楚了我爱的遗失了
落叶飘在湖面上睡著了~~~~
想要放放不掉泪在飘~
你看看你看看不到
我假装过去不重要
却发现自己办不到
说了再见才发现再也见不到~~~~
我不能就这样失去你的微笑~~~~
口红待在~桌脚~~
而你我找不到~
若角色对调你说好不好~~~~
你的笑你的好~~
脑海里一直在绕~~
我的手忘不了你手的温度
心碎了一地
捡不回从前的心跳~~~
伤心过去我无力逃跑~~~~~
说再见才发现再也见不到~~~
能不能就这样忍著痛泪不掉~~
说好陪我到老~~
又狠往哪里走~~
再次拥抱一分一秒都好~~~



I'll remember you
By: No secrets
It has been so long since we have talked
I hope that things are still the same
hoping they will never change
cause what we had can't be replaced
don't let our memories fade away
keep me in your heart for always
You made me believe
that I can do almost anything
stood right by me
through the tears through everything
I'll remember you,
and baby that's forever true
you're the one that I'll always miss
never thought it would feel like this
I'll be there for you,
no matter what your goin' through
in my heart you'll always be, forever baby
I'll remember you
I promise you I won't forget the times we shared, the tears we cried
You'll always be the sun in my sky
It may be fate that brings us back to meet again someday
Even though we go seprate ways
You made me believe
that I can do almost anything
You stood right by me
through the tears through everything
I'll remember yooooou,
and baby that's forever true
you're the one I'll always miss
never thought it would feel like this
I'll be there for yooooou,
no matter what your goin' through
in my heart you'll always be, forever baby
I'll remember you
If the day should come when you need someone
(you know that i'll follow)
I will be there
Don't ever let there
be a doubt in your mind
'cause I'll remember you
I'll remember you,
and baby that's forever true
you're the one I'll always miss
never thought it would feel like this
I'll be there for you,
no matter what your goin' through
in my heart you'll always be, forever baby
I'll remember you
Forever baby, I'll remember you






Goodbye.

Avril lavigne - When you're gone

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cried
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okay
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
They lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it ok
I miss you

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were
Yeah, yeah
And all I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me
Yeah

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it ok
I miss you


I remembered i posted this song n years ago... it was playing on the radio just now. i like this song. my last day of night. i hope i return on friday more clear-headed. seriously, i miss buddy and laoda. but i enjoyed these 3 days of night. i am glad i didnt have to face those sickeningly plastic people.

One amusing thing, i gasped (literally) when the radio suddenly ' hi im JJ lin, wishing singapore a happy birthday blah blah blah' at time 4.30am

and u know what - the song im listening to right now goes ' ice ice ice ice ice'

LOL

politics politics and more politics. i make sure these gossips gets into my ears. because i will always support those that i support. i told u i am a hyprocrite right?

anyway, the time now is urmm 3.07AM. i am not at home watching shows. but here i am now sitting in the pharmacy, waiting for the dear IMRs to come (just kidding touchwood)

my eyes are gonna cross. from staring too much at the computer? or tearing too much labels?

I learnt something, no i mean alot of things. confidence. i agree with brother that night is the time for me to learn. because i really do. =) i always remember the things that people taught and said to me ok. (selectively-people like brother, yes. if those plastics, sorry wrong number)

seriously i have not seen so many IMRs in my life. maybe have. but not when its only 4 people at night. and the IMRs are literally sprawled on the desks. and we have this little junior staff here completely clueless about what to do -.-

the phone rang. they told me to pick it up. i think my legs went jelly. rofl. because telephonist during the day is different at night wor. and this uncle, haix. he cant tell me his IC number nor spell his name. how to check? thanks lor. =(

actually i have already decided to just pack and pack and pack. =) because i cant type fast. and i cant check either. =) oh ya. i think i am an e-portering pro.

however, i got a shock of my life when they told me to sit down and type. i was like "huh?!???!!!" hahahahaha. and this is so different from doing my competency wor. =.= i need to pratice! haha. its stress but its fun.

then another shocking news came. they said:
"later u help check the imrs ok"

i think i nearly fainted. wahahahahahah. ok i got a taste of being a pharmacist. and seriously, i thought of changing my mind in becoming one. -.-

seriously i want to be RMS-free till i leave SGH lor =)

i think i need to study more.

in short. night is quite fun la. thanks to the encouragement people are giving me. i promise i will learn as much as i can =)

and night is the time to break free from some idiotic people u see in the day.

i think i miss brother and buddy!!!
=)

The time now is near 3am. The last time i cried myself to sleep was n years ago. this doesnt mean i am happy. just that i dont find any reason to cry. but now, i am tired. i am also human. i am no superman. i am just a normal girl, longing for some love. sometimes, i really wish i have someone there, to cuddle me whenever i am unhappy, someone to share my joy with. unfortunately, that person is never there.



i am tired.


Please don't tell me I've fallen into the trap

:(