Last night, i cried myself to sleep. The pain was unbearble. I cant get to sleep at all. All the images were flooding my mind. At first it wasnt that bad. I was alright, until i clicked it open. The tears just came. I couldn't stop crying. I literally cried like crazy until for dunno how long then i managed to doze off. I remember waking up in the middle of nowhere with a splitting headache and my head super giddy and my eyes swollen mad. Managed to pop 2 tabs of paracetamol and prochlorperazine, and went back to bed again, but cant get back to sleep. I didnt want to think about anything. I just wished all these wasnt true.

BrotherLew's last day at SGH on friday. Thank God for the miracle that i managed to change night duty. Was very very depressed these few weeks. So much so that i wish all these will not happen, i wanted to make the best of the last week. On friday, early in the morning i went to work with a heavy heart. Then i saw laoda on my way to block 4. he asked me if i wanted a drink. i said yeah teh peng. (with a huge smile) so he went to get it while i go up first. when i reached the pharmacy, he told me my tea on his table. man, that is enough to make it cry. i took my teh peng and went to cheryl loo. and the tears i have been holding back for a week just came like crazy. i hope i didnt shocked her out of her wits. well this was the second time she hugged me while i cry. thank you girl. seriously, that teh peng was the best in 20years, better than IV fentanyl. I was in charge of walk-in imrs today. And the imr came in like crazy. i happened to be the only one typing, i cannot concentrate at all, i'm thinking, die today sure RMS. and lao da happened to be the one checking the imrs. suprisingly i think i typed a hundred imrs that day but he didnt 'ruiyi did u type this?' thinking of that, i'd rather he say this to be everyday. =( throughout the whole day, he was very smiley, very nice to me. i asked cheryl loo why last day then treat me so nice. i wanted to cry again. i'd rather he yell at me. the whole day i was busy asking brother questions about imr. if i dont ask, there wont be chance anymore. he was very nice, his words were very assuring, making me even more sad. i hope he doesnt think im annoying because i literally 'brother!' every 5 minutes/every imr. From now onwards, whenever i open any imr, the first person i will think about is brother. i will never forget anything he has taught me. there wont be anyone to ask whenever i see an oncology W48 script. i will calculate the morphine doses myself. i will never see brother's name on the ward board again, and will not wish he is doing ops that week. no one will be beside me when i type because the best typing team is gone. my neighbour is not my neighbour anymore. and i will promise to avoid going to the back and opening my locker lest i think of him. =( there wont be anyone to ask for help while doing night in the middle of the night. no one to complain to about the animals and spirits, fruits and vegetables. no one to encourage me, no one to assure me that its going to alright. my 2 person that i trust most is gone, how am i possibly going to survive?

Yes, i agree, i have not known brother nor worked with him for very long. nonetheless, it doesnt take me long to see who can be trusted who cant be, who's good who's bad. With brother around, i dont have to be scared of anything because he is always the person i can turn to for help. even though he likes to dao me, and doesnt smile back when i smile at him, and just 'mm' when i say good morning. and sometimes i get so fed up that i will be in bad mood the whole day. the day when i first stepped into ip, he doesnt look the most friendly, like the sort that will scream at people when they make mistakes. he always carries such a fierce and stern face that i think the whole world is scared of him. i am not. (now lah), last time maybe. because i know actually he is very nice =) . i know most of the PTs were scared out of their wits by him, and everytime i see him talk to them, i know something is amiss and i will go to them and say, got a shock of your life right, its okay lah, my brother is liddat one. i will miss the times when i go up for ward dispensing with laoda. man, i wish i can have a quarter of his brain. the rest of my friends were like 'huh? you went dispensing with him? really ah? lol. and everyone passes the phone to me when they have to call him. i am glad to do it of course, because he is my brother, u too right buddy? and i will never hesitate to help brother and his patients, eg having to walk to ncc under the scorching sun to get some 'nibs'. because he is my brother and i will help him no matter what...

Well, all these will not come true anymore.they shall be part of the wonderful memories in ip. and the great memories are going to stop here. When buddy left, i thought i still have bro. now brother gone, im going to study already. because the 2 person i trust more arent here with me anymore. =( how much more blows can i take?

I will not forget the first and last PH, first and last stock take, all the psychotherapy, lame jokes, rubbish, teasing, jay chou 1 and 2, 酒窝, etc. i will miss them as much as i miss brother.

Brother, all the best in everything you do. remember i was the saddest person on earth when u left. and always remember there is someone crazy in block 4 and one in block 7 supporting you forever. more kopiOpeng hot one, and teh peng hot one, and milo peng hot one and cai fen at housemen. JIAYOU. keep in touch. i will go ncc often. and i might work there one day. the 3Bs will be reunited.

Last but not least, i will be strong. =) and brother will be part of IP forever. =)